7 Myths of Motherhood

Trigger Warning: As with any parenting advice related, this can be touchy. The following items are very controversial but they are fact-based opinions. You may disagree with what I have to say. If you start to find this is the case, I ask you to skip to number 7. Happy reading!

In my early days of child development, I was fresh out of college with grand but naïve ideas of how children should be raised. Working at a daycare center was a rude awakening. I learned so much in my years as an infant teacher that I was sure I had it all figured out when I became pregnant. Let me just say; mothering is hard! The number of times I hear “MAMA!” a day makes me want to shove earbuds in my ears and zone off into my world of podcasts. Alas, that is not possible. The tiny human needs our nurturing, and, in truth, I miss hearing his sweet voice at the end of the day. My son’s second birthday is fast approaching, and I find myself constantly being reminded that he is not a baby anymore. Now, I reflect on my time working with infants, hearing all the things mothers would say to me (at which I had to fight the urge to shake my head), coupled with the lessons my own steps into motherhood have taught me. I have found there is a lot of common phrases mothers use for one reason or another that are entirely false. Now I feel I can finally address these comments once and for all.

1) “She has a fever, but I think she’s just teething”

I have witnessed this misconception countless times. A parent is called to pick up her sick child. He has a temperature under the arm that read 101.2°F. When she arrives, the conversation ends with the mother saying, “He is teething. I’m sure that’s all it is.” I cringe, smile, and wave as she walks out the door. Teething does not cause a fever. I believe the misconception lies in the definition of a fever. There is a clear distinction between an elevated temperature and a fever-grade temperature. Some children may feel warm when a tooth is working its way through. When a child typically at 98.6°F is showing somewhere around 99.9°F, that could be the teething. A fever for an infant is 100.4°F or higher. At that point, this is not the teething. Also, the method by which the temperature is taken is a factor. For this explanation, we will be referring to the accurate method, a rectal temperature. An axillary temperature (under the arm) with an additional 1.0°F is the equivalent of a rectal temperature. So, if in our scenario above, the child’s temperature under the arm read 101.2°F. He, more accurately, had a temperature of 102.2°F.

The key is to remember teething causes mild symptoms. Still, parents will continue to swear on the fact that their children get fevers every time they are teething. That may be true, but correlation is not causation. If the temperature is above 100.3°F, there is something else causing the fever. You don’t have to take my word for it, ask your pediatrician. Seriously though, talk to your pediatrician. The teething may not be causing the fever directly, but it may have kick-started something else to be causing the fever. Increased mouthing of random objects could have invited in any number of germs. My son developed an ear infection with every single tooth that emerged. So, yes, he did get a fever every time he was teething, but it was not the teething that caused the fever. Anyone starting to see the problem with this way of thinking? Had I brushed off the fever with the teething mentality, I could have missed a very critical need for antibiotics. Fevers are a sign the body is fighting something off. When your child’s “mild temperature” exceeds 100.3°F, please take notice because it is no longer the teething.

2) “Breastfeeding is free”

Breastmilk is free, breastfeeding is not. Let me start by saying I am a huge advocate for breastfeeding. But I believe a mother considering how she wants to feed her baby deserves to know the truth and not blinded by the many benefits.

Unless you have the luxury, and the willpower, to exclusively breastfeed, pumping has its costs. Most insurances cover the pump itself, however, the parts need regularly replaced to maintain an efficient supply. You will need a bag to carry your pump in, possibly a portable power cord, wipes for on-the-go cleaning, storage bags… you get the idea. Breastmilk requires a lot of “stuff.”

Even if you are exclusively breastfeeding, let’s not forget to mention that means you are staying home with your child. Some mothers may have figured out a way to bring in an income while staying home with the baby, but is it the same income you were making before? Any measure of a pay cut is a cost. And what about going out? You might want a few nursing covers on hand. You will need new bras, easily accessible clothing, and definitely (especially in the early days) padding!

Keeping up with your supply costs money as well. You need to pump multiple times a day. To some working mothers, this could mean taking unpaid time off work. If you lack supply, you might try various lactation cookies, recipes, teas, etc. just to increase your supply by even a few ounces. While we’re on the topic of food, to say breastfeeding makes you hungry and thirsty would be the understatement of the century. I once was so thirsty I had to stop at a grocery store on my way home just to purchase a drink. Your calorie intake should be higher while breastfeeding, and therefore so will your grocery bill. It may seem like a stretch, but until you know that hunger, you will not understand.

God forbid you get mastitis or thrush! The pain of either of these experiences is for another post someday, but it also costs money! Running into this complication means a visit to the doctor’s office, possibly a day off work, and, of course, the medication to resolve the issue. Then, you likely will have lost some of your supply, and you’re right back to pounding lactation cookies. Breastfeeding may be cheaper than formula, but it is not free.

3) “My son walked before he crawled”

You’ve all heard this one. This fun fact is one so many parents are quick to broadcast, but should they? It is not uncommon for a child to pull themselves to a standing position before learning to crawl. At this point, countless parents eagerly predict their child is going to skip crawling and go straight to walking. First, the definition of crawling varies. Some child development theorists consider crawling to be any method of moving from A to B. The belief is that the child must achieve some form of crawling before walking. This theory leaves open the possibility that a child will skip the ordinary quadruped (hands and knees) way of crawling. Even still, it is not likely, and, for your child’s sake, I hope it doesn’t happen. There is so much more to crawling that goes unnoticed. Crawling builds upper body (neck and arms) strength as well as core strength (in the abdominals and the hips). This core strength is critical for the balance necessary in a proper gait pattern. In addition to strength, this position promotes eye development and coordination. Children who do not develop the ability to crawl may lack the coordination to move the left leg with the right arm, a skill that comes into play when- you guessed it- walking!

To promote crawling, provide your child with as much time on the tummy as possible. (Tummy time is reserved for when the child is alert and supervised. Always put your child to sleep on his or her back). All of the benefits gained from crawling can start in tummy time. While a child typically begins to push up into the hands and knees position around 7 months, every child is different. My own son did not crawl in quadruped until he was 10 months old! Still, if you have any further concerns, it is always better to get an evaluation. Early intervention is key to developmental delays!

4) “Shoes help her walk”

Anytime our barefoot hits the ground, we receive biofeedback. The nerves at the bottom of the foot communicate with the muscle involved in the positioning of our foot. If anything is amiss, you will correct your footing before you even are aware of what you're doing. Footwear, especially when stiff, decreases the pressure put on the bottom of the foot. When we put shoes on children learning how to walk, we interrupt the whole biomechanical process.

Footwear clearly disrupts what is natural when you know the mechanics of walking. But for the rest of the population, it is understandable why they believe in shoes. Whenever they put shoes on their child, the child can walk! Yes, this is true. But let's look at why. Is it because the shoes have magical properties? Sadly, no. Children walk easier in shoes because the shoe provides the stability they have not yet built up themselves. So yes, they will be able to walk better (and maybe earlier) in shoes, but muscle strength is stunted by the stability now provided for them. The muscles around the foot and ankle have to be strong enough to support the entire body! It is for this reason (mainly) that toddlers are so uncoordinated when they first start walking. Clumsiness is expected in a toddler. However, weak muscles in a full-grown human make one cumbersome adult.

Now, like anything in this life, there are exceptions. The flat bottom of a shoe does play some part in a proper gait pattern. Many children have a tendency to walk on their toes. A shoe with a rubber bottom encourages the child to use the heel-toe pattern. It is important to note here; the shoe must be a rubber bottom shoe and not soft. The infant shoes with a soft bottom will actually decrease stability beyond that of barefoot walking. Instability of this level creates a tripping hazard.

The solution? All in moderation. It is recommended to split the child's time in the shoes rather than using them as an aid in walking. If your child is in daycare, for example, they will likely have enough time in their shoes by the end of the day. Consider removing them at home. If your child is typically in an environment that does not require shoes, make an effort to split the time 50/50.

Some children need increased ankle stability, most likely due to a deficit determined by a doctor or physical therapist. My statements above are regarding a child of typical development. A toddler is expected to be taking steps by 16-18 months. Some children will walk before their first birthday, while others will make you sweat it out the whole 18 months.

If you are anxious for your child to walk, there are a few things you can do. First, take off the shoes now and then. Give your child as many opportunities as possible. If she will walk holding your hand, its time to stop carrying her from A to B. Start with a small distance, put her down and hold her hand (your back will thank you too). Whenever you feel safe doing so, decrease the amount of support you are giving in the handholding. You can do this by holding your child at the wrist rather than allowing him to hold your finger. You could also encourage your child to hold a ring (I used a hair tie) for support while you hold the other end. This technique, like the old "let go of the bike" method, is helpful when you believe he can walk. Simply let go of the hair tie and watch your unsuspecting toddler toddle off! If you still have concerns, it is better to have your child evaluated rather than turning to shoes.

5) "My infant can't have solids, he chokes"

Can anyone hear my eyes rolling? It actually hurts me to hear these words. Of course, I keep my composure whenever I am around a mother saying these things to me because I take pride in being a professional. I have respect for every parent's concerns. However, nothing irks me more than a parent getting in their child's way of development. For a child of typical development, solids can begin around 4-6 months. For those 4-6 months, the child has had nothing but liquid down her throat, and she has become an expert at swallowing said liquid. Now, she is presented with a different texture. It feels weird, it tastes weird, and it doesn't flow smoothly down the throat. Babies are not going to know what to do with it at first. It is natural for some children to spit out or even gag on the new texture until they learn how to navigate it. Present the new foods in small doses, monitor closely, and (most importantly) do not stop. There has recently been a new trend of skipping pureed food altogether and allowing the child to explore whole foods. This method, known as baby-led weaning, has its strengths and weaknesses. It is possible to pick and choose some of the techniques involved in baby-led weaning. I found it to be helpful as a guide but did not follow it completely. I encourage anyone interested to do some research and decide if it is for them.

Regardless of how you present foods to your baby, present foods to your baby! The longer an infant goes without solid foods, the harder it becomes to do so.

6) “I will never let my baby cry”

Babies cry! I know that sounds like an obvious statement, but someone out there needs to hear this. Babies cry to communicate with us. Expecting never to allow your child to cry is setting yourself up for failure. I am going to tread lightly here because this is a touchy subject. First, let me say, this is not a push for the cry-it-out method. I am going to leave that debate in the “do whatever you think is best” corner.

What I am talking about is finding the balance when handling crying. Acknowledge it, sure, but do not kill yourself trying to prevent it. Imagine a child who was just set down when he wanted to be held. The child throws himself to the ground in protest, hitting his head on the way down. The impact, of course, leads to further crying. Let’s say a child in line at the grocery story grabs a candy bar off the shelf. The mother takes the candy bar away, and the child falls to the ground in a heap of tears. Or, let’s say a child is hungry, the mother is already working on preparing food but does not have enough hands to soothe the hungry child and make the meal at the same time. How the adult reacts to each of these scenarios is critical.

On the one hand, crying is an expression of a need. Responding to each cry tells the child her needs will be met, and that instills a sense of security in the child. On the other hand, children learn at alarming rates. Refer back to the scenarios above. If the child crying over hitting his head is scooped up to be comforted, he will learn a bump on the head gets the attention he wants. This new information will come in handy the next time he wants mom’s attention. If the child in a heap on the floor is given the candy bar in exchange for his silence, the child learns, “if I cry long and hard enough, I will get what I want.” Now let’s move to the child crying while her mother prepares a meal for her. She is allowed to cry! Crying serves a purpose, and that purpose is to let us know there is a need not being met. While the mother is preparing a meal, it is perfectly acceptable for her to reassure the child verbally. If she continues to cry, that is her choice. Children are learning how to process their emotions when they cry. We all could use a little healthy expression of emotion.

What about the scenario we did not mention yet? The mother stepping outside her son’s bedroom while her baby screams in his crib? Sometimes you can do all you know to do, yet it seems as though the baby will not stop crying. Remember, it is not healthy for your own sake to hear it all the time. It is ok to let the baby cry if you need a minute (or five) to compose yourself. As humans, we tend to make poor, sometimes harmful, decisions when we are under stress. As long as the child is in a safe place, any long-lasting effects that may come from leaving a child to cry are still favorable to what could happen if you force yourself to endure it.

If no one has ever said this to you, let me be the first, “It’s okay to cry.” Children are allowed to cry too. Your baby will cry! Do yourself a favor, and find the balance in responding to the crying.

7) “If you don’t agree with me, you are a bad mother”

See the irony here? I just listed 6 commonly used phrases that are so cringe-worthy to me and proceeded to explain why they are so terribly wrong. Yet, here I am saying if you do not agree with me, that does not make you wrong! All too often, mothers are sensitive about other mother’s advice. Because what it comes down to is: we are all doing our best. Every single mother reading this text wants the best for her child.

Maybe you find some of what I said above to be true; maybe you didn’t. That’s the beauty of motherhood; it is entirely your call! Mothering is something so innate that it is nearly impossible to do it wrong. Please share with me if any of this information was helpful to you and leave whatever wasn’t behind.

*Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. If you have any concerns regarding your child’s health or development, please consult your pediatrician.

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