Biting Happens: What Do You Do?

I once had the unique experience of filling in as a toddler teacher in my son’s classroom. He was, of course, glued to my hip, so I spent most of my time on the floor reading books to him and the crowd of one-year-olds around me. At one point in the middle of a book, he had finally strayed away from me. Before I realized he was no longer by my side, I heard him crying from across the room. I knew that cry instantly. That was a specific cry. Anyone who has worked with children around the toddler age knows the distinct sound of a bite cry.

I looked over in hope he was just being dramatic. Then I saw the wet mark on his arm, and I knew my instincts did not mistake me. He had been bit.

As I held him comforting him and watching my coworkers handle things with the biter, I got the complete experience of the parent's side of biting. During my years as an infant teacher, we had many young toddlers discover the biting sensation. My son's time in the toddler room resulted in more bite marks on him than I can count. By the time he transitioned to the two-year-old room, suddenly the tables had turned, and I was getting reports almost every day that he bit someone. I am no behavioral specialist, but I have been through the biting game enough to have experienced each side of it personally.

The teacher perspective:

You're preparing lunch in the kitchen while your co-teacher changes a diaper when you hear it; the distinct bite cry. You drop everything you're doing with a groan as you rush off to handle the situation with dread. "Who did it?" "Which child got bit" "How bad is it?" "Why does this keep happening?" "What am I going to say to the parents?"

The unfortunate fact is: biting is age-appropriate for toddlers. Another fact is: a toddler ratio is not one-on-one. At some point, you will have to take your eyes off the known biters in the room, and it can happen in just a second.

You see, biting is a sneaky act. It comes with almost no warning. Occasionally you might get a screech of anger from the attacker before the bite comes, and you may have a split second to react. But in most cases, like the scenario described above, you are too far away or tied with a child on a changing table to do much good in that split second.

Knowing all of that, both the victim and the biter have frustrated parents looking at you for answers. Every time you hear the bite cry, you know it's another mark on the relationship you've been working so hard on building with these parents.

The victim's parent perspective:

You get the news, once again, that your child was bit at school. Regardless of the reason or how you feel about the classroom staff, your heart still aches every time you see the purple teeth marks in your child's perfect skin. You try not to imagine the pain they must have felt. You hope the teachers comforted him properly the way you would have. And you pray this never happens again.

Typically the biter is not revealed to the parents. And for a good reason. But sometimes your child is verbal enough to tell you anyway (or you witness the whole thing), and now you have a face to put to your child's pain. Try as you might to not blame the child; it's in your nature.

These are all perfectly natural emotions to go through. When something is happening to cause your child pain, you want someone to blame. You want answers. My response to this call for action is this: if it's an isolated incident, chalk it up to an age-appropriate accident and know soon your child will be out of the age group so prone to biting. If the biting is becoming a reoccurring issue, I hope to see the staff taking measures to prevent any further biting. And again, this will pass with age. I can say having been on both sides of this, give your classroom staff some grace. If you see they are trying to prevent the biting and it is still happening, blaming them will only damage relationships and won't fix the problem. Trust me; they understand you are upset, and they are frustrated too. A quality center will do everything in their power to lessen the biting but biting still happens.

The attacker's parent perspective:

You read all the books, you have talks, put a reward system in place, and still, you are told that your child has bit someone. You are frustrated and at a loss. You're doing all the right things. This must be someone else's fault, right?

(Considering the past two perspectives I've experienced and I now have a side of guilt added to my emotions. I know my child is the cause for stress on the teacher and the victim's parents.)

As I've said each time before, this is age-appropriate. Even when a child is old enough to use their words, they sometimes have to learn to choose their words over just reacting in the heat of the moment.

Why biting happens:

Children bite for a variety of complex reasons. However, the leading causes of biting are:

Lack of words
Lack of impulse control
Sensory seeking (and/or teething)

What you can do:

Prevention:

1) Avoid play biting. What is it about chubby baby feet that make you want to fold your lips over your teeth and take a pretend bite out of them? We love it. They love it. It's a fun game! I cannot honestly say I resisted the urge to play-bite my baby's feet. I do, however, warn against this game when your baby begins to transition to toddlerhood. If you notice your baby is reaching the mimicking stage when she is waving back at you, clapping when you clap, blowing you kisses, this might be a good time to stop putting an open mouth on your child.

2) Discourage any form of biting. We all know babies and toddlers like to mouth just about everything, yourself included. The first time you feel those little gums on your arm clench down, it needs to be discouraged. You can assess for yourself the intent of the bite to determine the reaction necessary. Some helpful responses for these first signs of biting include:

-Redirect the biting to a teether

-Put the child down (taking your attention away from him)

-Cry out in pain to demonstrate that biting hurts (although some children might find this reaction funny. In that instance, I recommend putting her down to discourage the behavior.)

When biting is happening at daycare:

Books: We found the Better Behavior series of books to help a variety of issues with my son. The Teeth Are Not For Biting book was a favorite during this time. It acknowledges the feelings behind biting but illustrates that biting hurts. The phrases "teeth are not for biting" and "biting hurts" became mantras in our household that we would use anytime even an innocent play-bite would occur.
Carryover: Be sure to discuss with teachers what they are doing and what you are doing to be consistent in both settings. I shared the mantras mentioned above with them to also use at school. Anytime his teacher shares a particular phrase they use to discourage a behavior, I try to use the exact phrase at home.
Rewards: Keep a reward system for days your child does not bite. I chose to keep snacks in my car. If I got a good report at pick-up, he would get to pick from the bag of snacks for the ride home. If he did bite that day, we would talk about what happened on the way home instead. The reward method will need to be modified for each child’s age.

When you first hear your child has bit:

First, ask what happened around the incident. Knowing what causes your child to bite can help narrow down what approach you take. If there was nothing to provoke the bite, you might be dealing with a sensory-seeking issue, and talking about using your words would be the wrong approach. If the bite took place after another child took a toy off him, we might then need to talk about sharing in addition to using our words and other problem-solving skills.
Ask what the teachers did to respond. This question is your window into what the teaching staff is doing about the problem. Also, as mentioned earlier, you may want to adopt some of their approaches or suggest a strategy that works at home.
If the incident is isolated, talk about it, then let it go. Biting is age-appropriate, and though it cannot go unaddressed, you can take comfort in the fact that he will one day grow out of this.

For the biter and the bitee:

If biting is reoccurring, look or ask for what actions are in place. Keep in mind the responsibility is not entirely on the teaching staff. A chronic biting problem should have the attention of the center director as well. If you have discussed all you can with the teachers in the room, bring your concerns to the director next. Find out what they are doing as a center to work on this problem.
Give the staff some grace. If you are confident your child is in a quality childcare center, then take that confidence as comfort that these people care for your child too. Biting is not an issue that will ever entirely be resolved, but together, you can work to decrease the incidents until they are old enough to know better.