5 Qualities to Pray for in Your Marriage
They say a couple who prays together stays together. These wise words, as accurate as they are, are often ignored by couples of this generation. Never underestimate the power of prayer. Pray all the time! Together or separate, in peaceful times or arguments. Just. Pray. If I am about to approach a subject with my husband I know he will not take to kindly, I say a prayer first. If we are in the middle of a heated argument and I find a moment away from him, although it may be the very last thing I want to do, I say a prayer. If I know he is going to experience something challenging that day, I pray a special prayer for him. Likewise, if I have something substantial on my mind, I ask him to say a prayer for me.
We have different relationships with God, I certainly pray more than he does, but we do pray together on occasion. We pray together at mealtimes, in church, or if we are experiencing some hardship, and we need God's guidance. I pray every night for the following 5 essential qualities, and here is why:
Trust/honesty
You simply cannot have one of these without the other. I realized this lesson in a church actually, many years ago. I was at a wedding ceremony, no less, when I took issue with something the priest was saying. He was going on and on about how trust is essential for a marriage to work.
I attended this wedding with a date, someone I had been dating for almost a year, and to say our relationship was flawed would be an understatement. Ten months we were together—ten very rocky months. I did not have trust this man at all. Yet, there I was, sitting next to him, listening to a priest talk about the importance of trust. I felt as though my date was taking this sermon as a point in his corner. He always said I needed to trust him more.
But I felt something very crucial was missing from this priest’s sermon, and that was honesty. As the priest gave his message, I relived all the lies, the cover-up stories, the deceit, all the reasons I had lost trust for the man sitting next to me. I became so disturbed that I felt like standing up in the middle of the wedding ceremony and blurting out, "How can you trust someone who is not honest?" Fortunately for the couple getting married, I kept my composure. But it was something that stuck in my head even to this day, almost a decade later. And, for the record, I ended my relationship with that man not long after that wedding.
Lying is like cancer to relationships. I've said that before, and I will say it again. Dishonesty leads to distrust. Distrust leads to questioning, investigating, nagging, and generally starts to wear away at the relationship. Once you lose trust in a person, you begin to question everything they tell you. It's hard to come back from that. On the other hand, the person in question becomes irritated that their every move is now under the spotlight. The paranoia might even lead to more deceiving acts. The intimacy fades, and the relationship crumbles.
Honesty is the key here, but we can control our reliability, so why pray about it? I suggest praying for the honesty of your husband. That is what is out of your control. If you are going to trust him, you have to believe he would never be deceitful. Believing this is easier for some relationships than others. If your relationship has a bad history of honesty, praying might be your best answer. This blind faith you will only find in God's hands.
2. Respect
We've heard this all before. Some women will read the phrase "respect your husband" and immediately turn away from this post. But I'm not saying you must respect your husband only. The bible says a wife is to respect her husband the same way a husband is to honor his wife. All too often, that second part is dropped off, and the issue of respect is left on the wife's shoulders. If a couple gets into an argument, it's the wife being disrespectful. But was the husband treating his wife with honor? Now to all the proud women out there, that does not mean you are off the hook. I suggest praying for mutual respect. Being respectful comes up in multiple points in a marriage.
First, it is crucial to refrain from mocking or speaking ill of each other. Not including friendly jokes you both agree are funny. If the intent is to hurt, this is disrespectful. The practice of never speaking ill of each other is especially true when talking to your children. Remember that the relationship you present to your children is what they will grow up expecting in their adult lives. Show them how to respect one another. Never speak ill of each other to your children, but also when venting to friends. I know some warn against talking to anyone outside your marriage about your marriage. I do not fully agree with this opinion. I feel sometimes getting to vent to someone, especially someone with similar marital struggles, can help in several ways. But tread lightly here. When venting becomes badmouthing, that is when you start to disrespect. When it does come to venting about my husband, I like to pretend he is just around the corner. If it's not something I would say when he is in earshot, I probably shouldn't say it at all. (Side note: This practice also comes in handy when texting as well. If you compose every text with the idea that he could be reading them, you never have to worry about him casually scrolling through your phone. This sense of security will promote trust in the relationship.)
Another form of respect is simply checking in with each other before making a significant purchase or making plans. When I am making plans with friends, even if it's a girl's night, I run it past my husband first. This habit might be annoying to some "empowered women" out there until you look at it as less of a power struggle and simply respect. I'm not asking his permission; I'm keeping him in the loop. He may have had something in mind for us the night in question, or maybe he just likes to be considered. Again, we are talking about mutual respect, so I expect the same behavior out of him. Keeping each other in your plans is keeping each other involved in your lives, which is very important for an intimate relationship.
Finally, all husbands have their quirks. Remember that marry with your eyes half shut rule I gave? That is where this comes into play. Ignoring the quirks or finding ways to compromise your differences is a way of respecting each other. To give an example of an everyday practice, I present our thermostat. Fortunately, my husband and I both dislike the cold. However, he takes this to the extreme. He will turn the thermostat up to nearly 75 degrees just so that he can be warm. Meanwhile, he is on the couch in shorts and a tank top. I am appropriately clothed for the season and also moving around the house all day. When I finally become overheated, I look at the thermostat and immediately want to lash out at him. What is happening here is a lack of respect on both ends. He is inconsiderate adjusting the thermostat to his comfort level without thought of anyone else in the household, while I want to ridicule him for always being so cold. We have crossed this issue more times than I care to admit, but I have to remind myself we share this house. Do we not both deserve to be comfortable in our own home? We can bring the temperature down a few degrees while adjusting what we wear, and both of us are comfortable in our home together.
It is easy to be respectful when you are happily doting on each other but suddenly becomes near impossible when we are consumed with anger. This is why we need to pray over it. It takes constant awareness of how we are treating each other, but with God's guidance, we can be better, more respectful spouses.
3. Patience
"Love is patient, love is kind" (1 Corinthians 13:4). Love may be patient, but that seems to be shoved aside in the heat of an argument.
I do pray for patience in my nightly prayers, but this is the one I pray for most often whenever we are in the middle of an argument. No one is perfect. Though I may feel like I am the superior one in a debate, I am likely doing something that is irritating my husband just as much as he is angering me. Pray for patience on both ends because without it, the anger will only escalate. As I mentioned before, stopping to pray is probably the last thing you want to be doing in the heat of an argument, but that is when it is most necessary. You are both angering each other so just stop and pray. Pray for patience so that you can handle the issue like adults and ultimately come out of the argument with your heads held high. You will likely find, after taking the time to pray, your anger levels have come down and you feel more at peace to discuss the issue properly.
4. Loyalty
Take a combination of honesty and respect, you have loyalty. Loyalty means to never stray from one another and always support each other. You chose your husband for what he is. When you agreed to marry him, you agreed to marry all of him. His good qualities along with the bad. When you are loyal to someone you pledge yourself to that person without question. Take pride in his accomplishments as if they were your own. Speak kind words about him to boost his self-esteem. Most importantly, have faith in him and be faithful to him. Prayer can help strengthen your loyalties to your husband, but you also want to pray he stays loyal to you as well. Like most things in marriage (if it hasn't become obvious by now), loyalty takes two to really work.
5. Commitment
I recently was scrolling through my daily newsfeed when a headline peaked my interest. Oldest Living Married Couple Celebrates 80th Wedding Anniversary. Just rounding 4 years of marriage myself, I find the thought of 80 years incomprehensible. As with any news story boasting about a long and happy marriage, they ask the couple their secrets. The answers are always the same: "Never go to bed angry," "Forgive and forget," "being kind," the list goes on… While these are all excellent pieces of advice, anyone who has been married longer than a week knows kindness alone will not keep your marriage together. Coming across this article in the midst of quiet of few of my friends and loved ones on the brink of divorce got me to thinking. What does keep a marriage together? I may have only been married for four years (not 80) but with my background in family studies and all the countless nights I spent talking through marriage problems led me to one simple but admittedly not easy answer.
The key to a lasting marriage is commitment. Of all the words of wisdom we are given on our wedding day, we are never told the importance of just being committed to each other. If you want to be the happily married couple you see out in public, you have to be willing to stick around for what you don't see. Being "happily married" doesn't mean you don't still have nights so filled with rage that it feels like all you have left is commitment. Those are the times when the less-committed couples fail. They fall prey to the tempting "light at the end of the tunnel" that is divorce. But there's another light. It's down a darker hall full of twists and challenges. In the minds of the committed, they don't see the divorce tunnel as an option. They made their vows and they intend on sticking to it. I want to restate this: It is by no means easy. It's not always fun. But when you hit those inevitable rough patches in your marriage, and it feels like commitment is all you have left, that commitment will get you to the other side.
Now, a critical note about this "key" to marriage. Commitment is a two-player game. Think of this as a game of tug-of-war. When both players have tension on the rope, and one lets go, everything falls apart. You cannot have a marriage with one partner running themselves to the ground to make their marriage work while the other sits back and enjoys the show. This is why we have vows when we get married.
So, if you don't have it in your head by now that commitment is life or death in marriage, go back and read again. For the rest of you paying attention, you're probably wondering how to hang on to commitment. Commitment, like honestly, is entirely in the care of the beholder. So why pray for it? Firstly, you cannot control your partner's commitment to you. You may be committed for life, but if your husband isn't, you're left holding that end of the rope alone. Secondly, and I will say this once more so pay attention: this is not easy. You will need God to help you. Maybe not a first and, if you're lucky, perhaps not for several years, but inevitably your marriage will reach a point where it is being tested beyond your strengths alone. It is by the grace of God you will stay committed to each other long enough to bring the love back.
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As I said about my husband and me, we have different relationships with God. Everyone does. What is important is that you do have a relationship with Him and that He is involved in your marriage. When to turn to prayer will vary for everyone. I only suggest not leaving it until things feel doomed. Together or in private, we must continuously be praying for our marriage. God is not only to be kept at the center of your marriage, nor at the head, but all throughout. He should be intertwined, holding the two of you together in holy matrimony and strengthened with the prayers you send up in faith.